SSABlog#64

I come to the SSA column more often than anyone, and for many reasons. The most obvious is that I write the column. Anoother reason that I visit frequently is to view and try out our sponsors. The program we use for ads is Google. While I am not a fan of advertising per se, I have come to realize that I simply could not afford to spponsor this website myself. Given that it was ncessary to use advertising, I am relying on Google to have good ads to my readers. So of course I click often and visit the sponsors. What I have found, much to my own surprise, that there are services and products that I have found and used here on the SSA site. I do keep an eye out, but if there are ads that you find disturbing, please let me know. At the moment, only ads for tobacco products are blocked, and I am not seeing a problem there.

SO....Given all that, do click on a sponsor ad. Internet services, and marketing on the internet is the newest success and the way of the future. Some great information and products are out there for YOU...

Dear Michelle:

This is a long story, so grab yourself a drink and sit back. I am gay,

and about 9 years ago, my partner and I decided that we wanted to

befriend another gay couple for social activities. We searched the

internet for another couple with similar interests and found one that

we agreed upon. Upon meeting this couple, I was instantly attracted to

the older man (I'll call him Bob) and, based on the amount of eye

contact we were making, his flirting, and his attempts to touch and

kiss me when our partners weren't in the same room, I learned he was

attracted to me, as well. He was 54, and I was 30 -- the same age as

his partner.

During the past 9 years, Bob and I have been together sexually five

times and we have maintained contact, secretively. Our encounters

didn't seem just sexual, as there were a lot of intimate conversations

and there appeared to be a deeper connection. During conversations, he

would tell me that he loved me, and we were very passionate together.

At one point, I had proposed that we leave our partners to be

together. It should be noted that he had left his wife to be with his

partner. His response to my proposal was, "I went through a messy

situation, when I left my wife, and I don't think I could handle going

through something like that, again."

I lost contact with him, from June to November of last year, as he

would not answer or return my calls. He eventually responded to a

message I'd left, stating that I was very worried about him. He told

me that his partner had left him (after 16 years), that he was very

depressed, and that he hadn't felt like talking to anyone. From

November until a few weeks ago, we maintained contact via e-mail. He

seemed very confused in the e-mails, fluctuating between, "Thank you

for your support," and, "I don't want a friendship with you or anyone,

right now, because I can't deal with any emotional ties." He continued

to tell me that he loves me. He and I took a few compatibility tests

and he seemed excited by the results. I visited with him, one time,

and we kissed as I started to leave. He kept pulling me toward him, as

though he didn't want me to leave. I think that's the reason he

prefers that we maintain contact by phone or by e-mail -- I can't read

him as well and, in person, he can't keep his hands off of me.

In a recent phone conversation, he told me that he doesn't want

anything to do with me, at this point in time. He said he doesn't love

me and he never did. He stated that when he and I got together, he was

just trying to figure out what he wanted -- that we were basically

fuck buddies. I reminded him of the level of intimacy involved and

that, on one occasion, he even let me use his toothbrush. I told him

that's a bit much for a fuck buddy. Before I hung up the phone, I told

him that I love him. He said, "I love you, too." Then, as an

afterthought, he added, "...in many different ways, but not in the way

you want me to love you."

Michelle, I think this man does loves me and in ways he doesn't want

to admit. I think admitting it would mean that he would have to give

up hope that his ex will come back. He assures me that it's over with

his ex. He did tell me that things might get better for him, when his

ex moves (he lives just down the street) and when the weather warms

up. I really love this man. He's 62 and I'm 38, now. I just want to

get together with him, so we can spend as much time together as

possible, before something happens to either one of us. Michelle, does

this man love me, and what should I do at this point?

John

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear John;

Let me tell you to straight how things are, because your friend will not. He is not
interested in you romantically. He is hoping that if he strings you along long enough,
you will give up and go away. The messages you are getting are a way for this
guy to not get involved, but not have to face the pain of saying no to you.

It is time to cut your losses, collect your lessons and move on. You deserve more
from a romantic partner than someone who may be available "when the weather
warms up".

Popular wisdom tells us we can have anything we want if we just want it hard enough.
This does not extend to human beings. We can not make someone love us, no matter
how pure and persistent we are.

You'll never score a home run (long term happy relationship) with someone won't pitch
to you. There are many gay men out there looking for a long term committment. Look
for one of those.

Michelle

Always do right! This will gratify some people and astonish

the rest.
Mark Twain

Inspirational Reading

DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU BUY THAT CAR? by Charlie "Tremendous" Jones
(excerpted from 2004 Jim Rohn Weekend Event Teenager Session)

How many of you are under sixteen? How do you like the idea that you might be driving a Cadillac when you're sixteen? When my son was your age, he wasn't quite as excited as you. I said, "Jerry, do you want to have a car when you're sixteen?" "Yes."

"Do you want me to help you buy that car?"

"Yes sir, dad."

"Alright, son, we're going to do it, but the free ride is over. No more allowance. I'm going to give you a way to make a lot of money. Here is the deal. I am going to pick out books for you to read. There will be motivational books, history books, inspirational books; and every time I give you a book, you give me a book report. Every time I get a book report, I'll put money in your car fund. Another book report; more money in the car fund. In two years if you read in style, you'll drive in style. But if you read like a bum, you're going to drive like a bum."

Overnight he developed a fantastic hunger for reading. The first book I had him read was Dale Carnegie's, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Somebody said, "Why did you have him read a book like that?" I'll tell you why. The first day he read that book, he smiled and said, "Dad, there's a whole chapter in here about smiling." And he smiled at me--he smiled at me. I couldn't believe it--he's smiling and he's only 14 years old--smiling already. Then he took my hand and he shook my hand and he said "Dad, there's a whole chapter in here on shaking hands." He shook my hand. I couldn't believe it--oh my.

Next, I had him read the book of Joshua. Oh, I love the book of Joshua. It's on discouragement. We all have a right to be discouraged, but none of us have the right to act discouraged. So we're going to Sunday school one day, and I said, "Jerry, how do you like that book on Joshua?" He said, "Dad, everybody ought to have to read that book." And when he said that, he hit my leg. He hit my leg! First sign of life in 14 years--he hit my leg!

Well, let me tell you this. That may not sound like much, but many people have read great books, and never once have they said, "You've got to read this book." If you don't have a passion and desire to share what you're reading, you may as well not read it. But if you're not living your life out, you're a dead sea. Well, he read 22 books. He didn't buy a car; he kept the money and used my gas!

He went on to college; he wrote me a Dear Dad post card every day for four years. And some of those cards--I'd like to read you a couple--because they were tough years of my life. You know, no matter how anybody looks on the platform, we all have our ups and downs and hurts and what-have-you, but if you're wise, you'll always keep your hurts to yourself and you grow through and you never suck your thumb and complain and tell people about them. And so here come these cards, and those years I was going through tough times, and sometimes I would just put my head on the desk and shed some happy tears. Because I was so grateful to realize that it was a book he read where he got his seed thought, to put it on a card and write to me every day. And the other thing so beautiful about it, he may not have known the meaning of some of these great truths, but the thought was in his mind, and you have to get it in your mind, you have to memorize it before you can start to realize it.

And here are a couple of cards:

Dad, the only happy man, successful man, confident man, or practical man is the one who is simple. See it big--keep it simple.

Unless his mind can crystallize all the answers into one powerful punch of personal motivation, you live nothing but a life of uncertainty and fear. Tremendously too, Jerry

Dad, it's simple to be able to know that when you're in a slump, just like that baseball player will break out in time, so you'll break out of yours. Yea, time really cures things. Like you said, you don't lose any problems. You just get bigger and better ones--tremendous ones. Tremendously, Jerry

Dad, I just started reading "100 Great Lives." Thanks for what you said in the front, the part that every great man never sought to be great. He just followed the vision he had and did what he had to do. Love, Jerry

Dad, I just got done typing up little quotes out of the Bible and Napoleon Hill, so that everywhere I look I see these quotes. When people ask what they are, I tell them, "They're my pin-up's."

Dad, I'm more convinced than ever that you can do anything you want to. You can beat anyone at anything, just by working hard. Handicaps don't mean anything because often people who don't have any handicaps, have a bad attitude and don't want to do anything.

Dad, nothing new. Just the same old exciting thought--that we can know God personally and forever in this amazing life.

Dad, The mind of God is so unbelievable. He throws nothing at us but paradoxes. He makes us completely and utterly helpless and depraved, and then He takes our failure which normally knocks us out, and makes it our greatest asset.

Dad, when you're behind two papers in the 4th quarter and you're exhausted from the game, and you have to make up a set of downs in order to stay in the game, and you get up to the line and see 5 250-lb tests staring you in the mug, you're too excited to wait and find out what play the Lord is going to call next.

Wow! Well, anyway just imagine, if I had it to do over again, I'd have paid him $1,000 a book report. How many have grand-children here? Okay here's what you do. You tell your grandchildren from now on you'll pay them $100 for every book report, and they get $5 bucks and the rest goes into the college fund. So that way, when they're 8 or 9, they'll have $10,000 or $15,000 to put toward college education and they'll have the satisfaction of paying for it. Plus they will have read books that will truly make a difference in their lives.

Tremendously, Charlie "Tremendous" Jones